Though he probably would never admit it publicly, a friend of mine and I came up with the concept of “Masturbation Church” a few months ago, as a great title for a book that will probably never be written. In the age of the Purpose Driven Church, and the Seeker-Sensitive Church, and the Attractional Church…why not include the shady underside (and possible cause) of all these church “growth” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) books?

Then, a few weeks ago, at the Presbyterian National Evangelism Conference in Nashville, I brought the idea up in a workshop I was leading — not quite knowing whether people would laugh or throw things at me. Surprisingly, when I explained the concept, it really resonated with the audience (who were mostly pastors and church workers).

So. What is “Masturbation Church?” In a nutshell, three things:

1. Church where our main goal is to “pleasure ourselves.” Or, to put it in terms I hear all too often, church where we come to “have our needs met” or because of what the pastor, or a program, or the worship, “can do for me.” Me, me, me. Spiritual Masturbation.
2. Church that gives no pleasure to others. Similar to #1, but with a distinction: In sex, the goal is not just to please ourselves, but also to please our partner, a loving act of giving and generosity. Likewise, the church exists primarily to be a generous blessing to those “outside” the church, like the poor, the sick, and the marginalized. You can’t do that locked up alone in the bathroom…or the church building.
3. Church that does not reproduce. Just as evolution requires humans to reproduce in order to survive as a species, so the church must reproduce itself in order to carry God’s message of love and hope into the future. But too often, we’re just “spilling our seed on the ground” (i.e. wasting our resources) oblivious to the fact that Sunday mornings are getting more, well…lonely.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying that masturbation is “wrong” or “evil” — for people or for churches. Just that it has consequences — especially if that’s “all” we ever do, to the exclusion of our partners, and, in the case of the church, to the exclusion of a hurting world.

Unfortunately, while this masturbatory metaphor is great for a blog post, I’m not sure if it’s, umm, “big enough” to, err, “fill” (oh, let the dirty puns roll) an entire book. And like everything else under the sun, it’s probably not entirely original, either. Nevertheless, If you’re brave enough, share your thoughts on this one! That is, don’t keep them (ahem, ahem) “to yourself.”

Christmas was fun, El Paso (as always) was beautiful and it was home. I don’t miss El Paso when I’m far from it, but being there makes me nostalgic–and I suspect the mountain gives a strange sense of security to those who grew up under its strong, steady presence. In the coldest month of the year, it was warm and sunny the day we left to come back to Dallas.

Grady was, as expected, spoiled for Christmas by Grandparents, Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Great Grandparents, and just about everyone else. He also now has plenty of “noisy” toys that talk, honk, beep, twinkle, and play song after song incessantly. I have been assured by veteran parents that the batteries will run out by February, though.

The new U2 album (How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb) is good, but not quite as good as their last one (All That You Can’t Leave Behind). Still, I’m hoping they’ll swing through Dallas on their concert tour.

Got a new Zire 72 Palm Pilot right before Christmas–out of the five PDA’s I’ve had in the past five years, I like it the best so far–I actually like it better than the higher priced Tungsten T3 I had right before it. Maybe it’s the built in video camera that I’ve been using to record many of Grady’s “firsts.”

In the Microsoft vs. Linux war, I regret to say that Microsoft is still winning (curse them). I had some limited success with Knoppix right after Thanksgiving, but didn’t have time to pursue it further over Christmas break. Oh well. Bill Gates can win a few more battles, but Linux will still win the war (I hope).

My goal of submitting my short story, “Twelve” over Christmas didn’t exactly happen. Of course, neither did my short lived New Year’s resolution to start blogging again (on New Year’s day). I’ll cling to the mantra of “better late than never.” After all, I learned it from my freshmen…

This has been a long post, so I’ll quit while I’m behind. So if you’re still around, still blogging, still reading, drop me a comment or two–it’s good to be back…