1. What is your earliest memory of being distinctly Presbyterian? It was last summer, actually — at least seven years *after* I actually joined a presbyterian church, and two years *after* I decided to go to seminary and pursue ordination in the PCUSA: I was at the Presbyterian Evangelism Conference in Nashville, and I bought a baseball cap with the PC(USA) logo embossed on it. Branding is a big part of our culture, isn’t it? Well, now it’s my favorite hat. Guess I’m Presbyterian.
2. On what issue/question should the PC(USA) spend LESS energy and time? I’m going to have to second Ryan on this one and say the ordination process. Yes, it’s probably because I’m going through it right now, but geez — 500 questions about my finances, my eating habits, my sex life, my parents, my bowel movements, all so I can pass a psychological evaluation that qualifies me to INQUIRE about going into ordained ministry???? WTFWJD??? Probably not pursue ordination in the PC(USA), I’m guessing…
3. On what issue/question should the PC(USA) spend MORE energy and time? How about considering ways to start and support intentional communities? I think Rick Ufford-Chase is doing something with this, and I’m hugely inspired by Shane Claiborne’s urban monasticism.
4. If you could have the PC(USA) focus on one passage of scripture for a entire year, what would it be? I could sit and think of a few, but nothing I could come up with could possibly top Sarah’s suggestion of Matthew 6:25-34. My sentiments exactly, so I think I’ll just jump on that bandwagon.
5. If the PC(USA) were an animal what would it be and why? A turtle. The Presbyterian Church is slow to change directions, but it’s steady and persistent once it does. It has a tough shell that can withstand great pressure, but sometimes we withdraw into it a bit much. Actually, maybe the PCUSA is kind of like Molly, my pet turtle. She only has three legs, so she goes in circles a lot. But I still love her tremendously. Turtles are also a pretty humble sort, and I think Presbyterians have that capacity. And at least in cartoon stereotypes, the turtle is always the nerdy, geekish creature — definitely Presbyterian.

Extra Credit: Jesus shows up at General Assembly this year, what does he say to the Presbyterian Church (USA)? Once again forgoing originality (because it’s highly overrated), I’m going to have to echo Carol here and say that Jesus always confounds me too, so I don’t know. But I know that it would be something that turned our pre-conceived notions and policies completely upside down, and it would probably be completely misunderstood by most. In fact, I think after hearing from Jesus (would we even recognize him?), we’d probably move to strip him of his credentials and have him escorted from the building. Here’s hoping that some would have the grace and humility to lay down our denominational priorities, and follow him out into the world.

So now I get to tag five people. The rules (along with an explanation) can be found here, and I tag…Chris Walker, Rhett Smith, Sara Green, Steve Chastain, Lee Wyatt, and Tara Lamont-Eastman. (Yes, I know I can’t count. What did you expect from an English major? And I would have tagged Philip Lotspeich too, but Ryan beat me to it).

One more thing: As fast (and fun) as this thing is spreading across the world of Presbyterian bloggers, I’m thinkin’ the guy who started it must be pretty visionary, pretty good at “starting things” and pretty in tune with presbyterian culture and the larger culture we’re part of. Maybe he’d make a good moderator, huh?

As some of you know, I’m in the process of becoming an ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church (USA). To be accepted as an inquirer (phase 1 of the ordination process), I have to jump through a few hoops. One of those is a psychological evaluation, performed by a counselor hired by my presbytery (that’s the regional governing body for the denomination).

I expected to do a lot of writing (and did) when I applied to seminary. I even expected to do a lot of writing when I applied to the presbytery become an inquirer. I even expect to do a lot of writing when I’m *in* seminary, and to be thoroughly grilled by my presbytery’s committee on preparation for ministry, several times.

But I didn’t expect this:

The shrink wants me to answer a *few* questions (see below) before he’ll schedule an appointment with me. He wants them in writing. Silly me — I thought his job was to *talk* to me, and ask me some of these things in person. And I never expected that he would require more writing than Princeton Seminary, Grace Presbytery, and all my blog posts for the past year combined! And the questions border on ridiculous! Is this a Jedi-mind game to find out how much bureaucracy a potential minister will put up with? Or how obedient I’ll be? Please, if you have gone through this process, let me know if your experience was similar, or if this guy just takes himself waaaaaay to seriously…

• What is your current marital status and your marital history?
• If currently married, what is your spouse’s name and occupation?
• Do you have children? If so, indicate their name, age, grade in school and any special circumstances like adoption, step children, from a previous marriage, etc.
• Family of Origin- List all the members of your family of origin (including parents, step parents, siblings, step siblings, etc.) and indicate their name, sex, age (or age at death) and occupation. Include yourself at the appropriate place in the birth order.

Ok. So far so good — I have no great objection to any of these questions, and can easily see the validity in them.

• Have you had any operations or hospitalizations (type and date)?
• Have you had other illnesses (nature and date)?
• Have you had a thorough physical exam in the last two years? If so, what were the results?
• What kind of exercise or recreation do you do (type and frequency)?
• Are you currently taking any prescription medications (name and reason for taking)?
• Are you currently taking any over the counter medication (name and reason for taking)?
• Do you have hearing or vision problems (Explain)?
• Do you have a pattern or history of smoking or tobacco use?
• Do you drink alcoholic beverages? If so, with what frequency?
• Have you ever thought you should cut down?
• Has anyone ever suggested that you should drink less?
• What time do you normally go to sleep and wake up?
• Do you have any problems with sleep (getting to sleep, staying asleep, waking too early, sleep apnea, etc.)?
• Do you have any health issues that could affect your ability to work in any way? Explain.

Medical questions? Wait a minute…I thought this was a psychological exam. Is that really his job? I could *maybe* see the Presbytery wanting to know how healthy I am, but are all of these questions really necessary to assess that?

• Do you have any of the following symptoms regularly or severely enough to cause you concern? Chest pain, Concentration, Fatigue, Heart rate, Interest in sex, Painful intercourse, Perspiration, Sexual arousal, Shortness of breath, Urination, Weight changes, Dizziness, Fainting, Black outs, Seizures, Abdominal pain, Diarrhea, Constipation, Allergies, ADHD, Headaches, Blood pressure, Cholesterol, Obesity

Interest in Sex?????? Perspiration?????? Concentration?????? Oh yes. I have concentration regularly enough to cause me concern…

• Have you ever experienced any of the following symptoms?Sadness, Loss of interest, Loss of pleasure, Sleep problems, Concentration, Fatigue, Irritability, Self-criticism, Wanting to be alone, Weight changes, Appetite loss, Thoughts of self-harm, Interest in sex, Decision making, Hopelessness, Pessimism, Chest pain, Heart rate, Panic attack, Shortness of breath, Perspiration, Urination, Sweating, Shaking, Nausea, Dizziness, Fear of losing control, Anxiety, Unwanted thoughts, Fear of going crazy, Repetitive hand washing, Other repetitive behavior, Feeling detached, Traumatic events, Sexual, abuse, Verbal abuse, Eating disorder, Sexual dysfunction, Emotional numbness, Explosive temper, Unusual thoughts, Excessive Worry, Impulse control, Pedophilia

Ok, first of all, that “pedophilia” seems tacked on like it was added on just in the last few years. That’s actually a pretty sad statement about the church. But other than that, who HASN’T experienced most of the things on this list? Ooops. Guess “pessimism” just got the better of me again…This test is giving me “unwanted thoughts.” And what does that mean if I DON’T experience the symptom “interest in sex?” That I would make a good Catholic priest?????

• Have you ever sought counseling with your pastor or a pastoral counselor? If so, when and for what reason?
• Have you ever consulted a mental health professional? If so, when and for what reason?
• Have you ever been hospitalized for mental or emotional reasons? If so, explain.
• Is there any history of emotional illness (suicide, depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorder, etc) or alcohol or drug abuse in your family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, siblings)? If so, detail below?
• Have you ever been suspected of sexual misconduct or the subject of a sexual misconduct charge?
• Do you have a criminal history? Describe.

Not Yet, Mr. Shrink. Not yet…

• Year finished high school:
• Please list all education since high school:
• What subjects do you enjoy?

My favorite subject in school was doing busywork for teachers who most likely would never even read what I had written…NOT!

• List all major job experiences since high school including dates, employer and type of position. Rate your overall level of satisfaction from 1 (very low) to 10 (very high).
• List, beginning with the first, the communities you have lived in and your religious affiliation.
• Describe your mother.
• Describe your father.
• Describe yourself.
• Describe your current life situation.
• Describe your current plans and goals for work.
• Reflect on your experience of childhood (birth through high school).
• Reflect on your experience during the high school years.
• Reflect on your experience during college and the years following to the present.

He could have just said, “Write your freakin’ autobiography from start to finish. Be sure to list what you had for breakfast…EVERY DAY OF YOUR @#$@# LIFE!”

• Describe your sense of call to ministry.

Let’s see…I feel called to sit at a computer screen all day long and type out my life story so someone can decide if I’m “normal” enough to do what fishermen, tax collectors, tent-makers and prostitutes did 2000 years ago…

• Describe your family of origin including economic status, emotional climate, illnesses, separations, divorce, place in the community, etc.
• What specific tasks would you like to do in ministry?

How ’bout overhaul the ordination process for starters? Or at least give applicants two or three psychologists to choose from?

• What issues in the church and the world would you like to address in your work?

I won’t be able to!! I’ll still be filling out this questionnaire 30 years from now!!!

• What are the five most significant events of your life in terms of shaping your character, goals, values, philosophy and theology?
• What five skills do you bring to ministry? Give a specific example of when that skill has been demonstrated.

Hmmm…patience? Filling out an excessively long questionnaire for a psychological examination?

• What skills or attributes do you need to develop in order to excel in ministry?

Dang. Obviously a little more tolerance, patience, and a twisted sense of humor. Give me serenity, St. Francis (or maybe courage to change what I can).

• Estimate the amount of time you spent on this questionnaire.

How about two wasted weeks of my life, NOT spent with my family, NOT spent doing ministry, answering BUSYWORK questions that I COULD have answered in person?

Careful, Neal. If I go crazy trying to complete a psychological evaluation, wouldn’t that be ironic?

Oh, and did I mention that I also have to pay this guy for the privilege of talking to him after I’ve answered his questions? And that he wants three letters of recommendation? And I have to take a 400 question personality test? Universal Life Church, here I come…

And two tangential questions:

• Who or what grants ownership? God? Government? Consensus? Strength?
• Are there things that cannot be owned? Places? People? Thoughts? God?

And yes, I fully realize the historical irony of someone with my last name asking this sort of question. For more on what to do with this question, read this post.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I’ll post a few simple questions on some philosophical issues that are currently of interest to me (and hopefully to you as well), and invite your honest answers along with any discussion that ensues.

I’ll weigh in after a few days with a summary and my own thoughts — please know, however, that my thoughts on these subjects are not fully formed, and yours don’t have to be either. In fact, the reason I’m doing this is because I hope to explore some of these subjects further, and do so in a collaborative, interactive way (thanks for such a great idea, Adam!).

One request: If you participate, please be open-minded and courteous in both your answers and in your reaction to the answers of others. Kindness, sincerity, and thoughtful reflection do much more to influence and inspire than do arrogance, judgment, and close-mindedness.